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Chapter 3. Needs

Needs are internal requests formed in relation to conditions. They define what matters to us at a given moment and set the direction for joint and personal actions. Distinguishing conditions from needs helps avoid confusion: a condition is a fact; a need is a desire or request.

Categories of needs

  1. Physiological / basic – health, safety, sexual closeness.
  2. Emotional / psychological – love, recognition, support, emotional safety.
  3. Development / growth – personal development, self-realization, novelty and impressions.
  4. Shared / couple – common goals, traditions, shared time, a sense of “we”.
  5. Social / external – recognition as a couple, social support, harmony with the environment.

1. Physiological / basic

These needs relate to survival and basic stability: health, sleep, nutrition, financial and physical safety, sexual closeness. If unmet, the couple inevitably faces tension.

2. Emotional / psychological

These are needs for love, attention, recognition, and respect. They relate to feeling valued and safe in the relationship. When met, partners feel trust and emotional closeness.

3. Development / growth

Every person strives for growth: learning, new skills, self-realization. For a couple, this is also the need for novelty and experiences. When development is blocked, a sense of stagnation and dissatisfaction arises.

4. Shared / couple

These are needs that shape the identity of the couple: common goals and projects, traditions and rituals, shared time. They create the feeling of “we” that is important for long-term resilience.

5. Social / external

These needs relate to the outside world: recognition and support from family and friends, as well as harmony with the surrounding environment. The social environment can strengthen the couple or, on the contrary, create tension.

Difference between conditions and needs

It is important to distinguish conditions and needs:

  • Condition: a fact, a given (e.g., “we have a small apartment”).
  • Need: a desire, a request (e.g., “I need more space”).

This distinction helps build visions and changes more realistically and constructively.

Conclusion

Needs form the basis for a vision of the future and inform the choice of functions. Recognizing them helps us understand ourselves and each other better and avoid misunderstandings when partners speak about conditions but mean needs.